Look: I never claimed to be a comedian. I'll save the funny stuff for my pal Shane and his blog.
Rather, I like to use my Twitter for the stupid random thoughts that pop up in my head. So for the sake of prosperity and a chance for me to laugh at my own dumbness (as I often do), here are my top 20 tweets from 2011 up until now (in no order).
I made my cat a mix tape. She listened to all 16 tracks but I don't think she gets the underlying message.— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) February 26, 2011
Fact: If you bop Michael Clarke Duncan on the head, he turns into three Cee Lo Greens. #thevoice— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) May 4, 2011
Does my girlfriend really love me? Or is it just Stockholm Syndrome.— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) July 9, 2011
GREAT MOMENTS IN FANBOY HISTORY: Jesus Christ delivers the world's first spoiler at The Last Supper with "One of you will betray me."— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) July 12, 2011
My car's shadow looks like Shrek. pic.twitter.com/Kon6BlmW— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) April 7, 2012
Translation: If a creepy black figure shoots lasers with his eyes and starts a fire, don't use a washing machine. pic.twitter.com/ffdPRuJh— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) June 28, 2012
In the future, commercial programming will be interrupted by TV show breaks— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) December 1, 2012
Can you imagine traveling through time to tell Leonardo da Vinci about modern air travel? He'd be like "No inglese."— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) April 14, 2013
YouTube taught me how to tie a tie, grill a steak and pack a suit. I feel like I should get YouTube the gift for Father's Day.— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) June 9, 2013
Have you ever noticed that Barack Obama and I are never in the same place at the same time hmmmmmm— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) July 9, 2013
What if the world really is a blurry mess full of hot chicks, and alcohol's the only thing that can show us reality?— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) October 23, 2013
All animals are made adorable after applying a scarf. #science— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) October 23, 2013
Just got that "you're going insane" look from my dog. Also I don't have a dog.— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) October 25, 2013
Damn I hate being followed by a clairvoyant, she keeps retweeting me before I write the original— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) October 26, 2013
6 out of 4 mathematicians agree I suck with numbers— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) October 28, 2013
I'm not sure I've ever walked in the front door and changed into my PJs this fast before. Ladies.— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) January 31, 2014
"I WANT ALL THE MAYO IN THE WORLD" -what every deli worker at every deli hears when I say "and a little mayo."— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) June 23, 2014
Weirdest thing, I saw a full moon and starting singing to it... And an immigrant mouse miles away started singing back? #80schild— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) August 10, 2014
My tendency to mumble and my impatience in repeating myself are not a good mix.— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) August 27, 2014
Really? Nothing? Hmph. -Me, a little after every tweet— Ralph (@WarmMilkFilms) August 30, 2014
Congrats, you made it to the end! Now check out the actual Twitter page for WarmMilkFilms and give a follow!